I'm so not writing this...well...

I'm torn about whether or not to even write today. I have a lot on my mind, and to be honest I'm afraid of what might work its way into this blog. I usually try to write when I'm on a mountaintop and God's speaking things to me that I am just about to explode to share. Today isn't one of those days, but I still feel led to write. Here's the problem with being vulnerable - people can use your words against you if they so choose. But to tell you the truth, I need to be vulnerable, open, and honest today. I need to blog. So here goes.
Shauna and I had a conference call last night with our new adoption agency. It's an incredible agency, made up of adoptive moms that understand the process firsthand, which makes it so much easier on the couples they work with. It was a long call - about 40 minutes. They answered every question, and basically explained the process to us. Should we proceed with this agency, we're working with Christians, and we'll be flying to a hospital in a few months to pick up our new angel straight from a delivery room. Exciting, huh? Yeah, I thought so to. Then the call continued to the cost.
I have always known adoption was incredibly expensive, but when I found this agency I thought we'd found one that was very reasonable when it came to cost. Now, I sit at my desk with a computer in front of me realizing this dream is a really far stretch, and a long way from becoming reality. This program only accepts 30 couples at a time, and we're one of them. The problem is they need to know within 10 days of the phone consultation whether or not we want to move forward, otherwise they have to give our spot away. $20,000 - and 10 days to decide if we can do it. You do the math.
To say the least, I've been down since that call ended. For the benefit of the reader I've got to admit that's not all that's on my mind right now, it's just the HUGE cherry on top of an already heavy load of concerns and issues beating me up right now. Some of you will write and offer great words of advice, and probably even share some Scripture with me, which is fine. But, I just want to remind you - I'm simply being open, honest, and see-through. This is what I feel right now.
If you were to ask me what I want most right now in my life - more than anything else, my answer would be so quick and simple. See, God has already blessed me beyond all imagination. My wife, Shauna, is an angel straight from God Himself, the most amazing wife I could ever imagine anyone having ever, and He gave her to me. I love her dearly. He's given me the opportunity to share His Word on daily occasions, which is a huge blessing considering that's my calling in life. So what do I want, honestly, more than anything else in this world: to be called Daddy. I dream about it - I think about it constantly. And every time I hear that word mouthed by a small child, my heart breaks. That's the truth from my heart this morning.
Then I turn on the news last night and see 3 different stories about abused or neglected children. One of them from Austin, AR - the town that Shauna's parents live in - where two folks were cooking meth in the home with their 2 year old right there with them. Not long after that story was a story on abortion rights and the Presidents comments regarding them. Seriously? I know for a fact there are thousands upon thousands of couples just like us across this nation that are longing for the amazing privilege of being parents - and we're debating whether or not to kill the innocent babies we can't seem to have?
As I said earlier and you can see now, a lot is going through my mind. And I'm writing for one reason - it's therapy for me I guess. And I'm going to be honest once more with my readers: I really don't need advice or all the answers that everyone thinks they have. Just be understanding with us this morning and do this one thing: pray. I long for your prayers for Shauna and I. The desires of my heart are for her to get the chance to be the amazing mom I know she'd be, and for me to get the chance to be a dad as well. So just pray - I appreciate it.

That's just a thought.
blake