"My Church"

Hope you enjoy...sad but true! Blessings - blake

“My Church” by Blake MartinAt my church, as soon as you arrive you are greeted at the parking lot with valet service. Our attendants park your car for you, and even wash the windshield and top off your tank while you make your way inside – at my church. At my church, when you get out of that car, you’ll immediately be met by a greeter that will give you your cup of coffee, a bagel, two donuts, a bag of mints just in case you have a coughing problem, and will review with you the entire map of the church just in case you need to get somewhere during service that you are not aware even exists on the grounds. At my church, you’ll enter through automatic doors, you know, so you won’t have to expend your energy opening a heavy glass one yourself. After all, at my church we wouldn’t want you to leave with that terrible memory of straining a muscle or over exerting yourself. At my church, when you get inside you’ll find spacious, luxurious seating with plenty of room for you to find your own seat and make yourself at home. Just be careful at my church I have my seat, so just watch for “reserved” signs with nameplates at some chairs. Full-sized, reclining, individual comfort seating will be what you’ll find at my church. With plenty of leg-room and even cup holders for your coffee or soda, my church has thought of everything in comfort. We even have handy signs in the side pockets of the chairs at my church that say, “Do not disturb” just in case you really don’t want to have to bother with shaking hands and all of that other stuff. You can come and keep to yourself, at my church.When the service begins, you’ll be really impressed with my church. We have a full 45 minutes of music time. And at my church, you don’t have to worry about whether or not the music is your style – you are guaranteed to find something you like about it. At every service at my church, we have every possible style of music to fit your personal liking. We begin with a little Christian rock (but don’t worry – at my church you can put on your headphones that plug into the seats and either turn the volume down or change the channel and listen and any radio station of your choosing). We then have a song or two of softer Christian praise & worship time. We move from that to a time of “interpretive dance” just in case you are a person who appreciates the arts. From there we move into our southern gospel segment, when our quartet the “My Church Singers” come onto the stage and provide some good quality entertainment. Oh, and at my church, just in case you haven’t been pleased by all that, after the quartet leaves the stage the chanters come up and do a few minutes of some Gregorian chants. See, at my church there’s something for everyone!Oh, and I almost forgot to mention that at my church we won’t bore you with some preacher standing and yelling at you. You see, at my church, you’ll get a motivational speech lasting only about 5 minutes to pump you up for the week ahead! And afterwards, we’ve fixed the guilt issues of an invitation – at my church, we don’t have one! Everything’s great at my church! We have taken all of the things that people complain about and simply gotten rid of them and replaced them with things people have talked so much about wanting!Oh, but there is just one problem: you can be a faithful member of my church and die and spend an eternity in hell. Oh well, that’s not that important, right? After all, it’s all about making US happy in this life – isn’t it? Well, it is at my church.